a lie

is that you or your ego i hear
it’s been hard dealing with your pride all these years
in my heart i wish that this wasn’t my reality
and it’s hard dealing with this rage that’s inside of me
i get so angry and i ask myself why
i couldn’t make you feel happy on the inside
but nevermind i guess things just change
i’m so used to dealing with this toxic rage
and i feel so guilty because in my mind you’re right
like it’s all my fault i think about it every night
i’m always alone
ive never felt at home
and even when i’m with you
i still feel that you’re gone
i wish i could change your past
i wish i could’ve loved you right
but it’s that same love you forgot to give me
that haunts me every night
and i don’t know what to do
i have no clue
because it hurts the most that i have to convince myself it’s all true
and i pray that things will change
and i pray you find love
but i can’t keep going back and forth
when i’m going through my own stuff
and we’re all going through it i get it
it’s tough
but you never made me feel like i was ever enough
and i say “i’m done and i’m over it”
and i wish i didn’t care
but i care too much
because i’ll never feel that it’s fair
i always came in second
and i hate admitting that to myself
i hate admitting that i might actually need help
but i still pray that you’re okay and i can’t help but care
i can’t help but pick up these photos and wish i was still there
in your arms where i felt safe
in your arms when everything felt right
but that’s only a memory
i think about every night