the mourning after dark

I woke up at that morning
And something didn’t feel the same
You were gone but somehow
I didn’t feel a thing

Peace and serenity
Rained all over me
And for the first time
I felt that this drowning set me free

In the midst of chaos
In the middle of grieving
I looked inside and realized
That’s when I could finally start breathing

I put my hand on my stomach
The other one on my chest
I could feel myself inflate with love
And for once my mind wasn’t such a mess

So I sat and prayed and I
Hope one day you find yourself
But for once I sat and prayed for myself
And for once I asked myself for my own help

I thought it’d take months or years
To finally set me free
But when I meditated I saw
The person in control was me

Accepting you were out of my control
In fact I noticed everything around me was
So I opened my window and heard the grieving
The morning sound of the mourning doves

They were mourning our love
Closed the chapters and we said goodbye
And although I’m clean and content
It doesn’t mean sometimes it’s not hard to get by

But there was no fear in my future
Just safety in the now
There was no worry where’d I’d be going
Or questioning or wondering “how?”

I am safe & I am loved
And with every morning came the truth
That the sun and that my chest still rose
Even without you

My hands were still hands
And my feet were still feet
And nothing around me changed
But for once I felt complete

first self portrait

The process of doing a self portraiture was, in general, probably the most interesting thing I've ever done in my art journey. Studying myself for hours on end and trying to translate very specific colors, shadows, and highlights was so uncomfortable at first. In the original photograph, I was wearing absolutely no makeup and I was extremely sick and going through a rough time in my personal life, so I didn't feel as beautiful or confident while getting my picture taken. 

It wasn't until I picked up a paintbrush and began the process that I felt a change. Not only in how I viewed the artwork, but how I viewed myself. All of the "flaws" or "imperfections" I saw staring at myself were only existent because I believed they were there. Society praises perfection rather than truth, and I want to change the way we view ourselves and others. I want to tell you that YOU are ART. You are beautiful exactly the way you are because you exist, period. Your purpose is not to be perfect, but to be real and honest and genuinely just you. If you're being you, congrats! You're on the right path to finding true happiness. 

Besides that, however, the actual process took a couple of weeks. I didn't really keep track of the amount of hours I put into it, but it was several hours a week. 

First, we traced outlines of the details, and labelled where the highlights and shadows were going to be placed. This was the quickest and easiest part of the entire process. 

After that, however, the long journey of painting began to take place. 

To me, any sort of art process is just like a puzzle and is actually quite simple if you change the way you go about handling and viewing the artwork. You put the colors, shadows, and highlights where they belong, and try your best to match up the colors correctly to whatever it is you are studying. Studying the artwork in pieces and sections will help to simplify the process, and will work more effectively, rather than studying the art piece as a whole. Once you get the hang of correctly establishing where the colors should be placed, then you've successfully learned the hardest part of painting. It's all about trial and error, really taking your time, studying what it is you're making, and putting your heart into it. Where there is a will, there's a way. 

nothing has changed (yet)

same old thoughts
same old attitude
same old rage that i'd feel when i was mad at you
it was the same dark eyes
with the same dark mind
the same old soul i would fall for every single time
it was the same soul, but a different face
it was the same mistakes but a different place
you said i was moving too fast
but we were moving at the same pace
you told me to watch my words
and be conscious of the things i'd say
but you must've forgot about yourself
and about how respect goes both ways
i was so frustrated
but you told me i wasn't allowed to be
so tell me how is it you were able to look at me
and deny my own reality?
back and forth we were arguing
those cycles were just repeated
now you would tell me you loved me
and you knew to hear that was something i needed
but i guess things change and i guess that maybe you're right
i can't help but to think about it
every day and every night
and maybe I'm just doing this out of spite
but soon you'll be out of my mind
and i'll be out of your sight

danileigh print

 

I decided to do an intaglio print of Danileigh, because she's an amazing musical artist and dancer. Her music inspired me to keep things moving at a time when I was struggling to get back on my feet. Whenever I need a boost of confidence, I listen to her songs to be reminded that everything is going to be okay. I did one print plain red, and another I mixed in orange and a bit of yellow to create a "blended" effect. (I forget what the technique is called). I used stop-out and soap ground to create the highlights in the prints as well. 

shorthand tone

    

The process of line drawing turned out extremely fun to me, actually. At first I did not know where to begin, but as soon as I began to follow the outlines of the faces of the people I really looked up to, (as a woman),I fell in love with the project. The lines were able to help me really focus on certain aspects of the faces of the women and decide what I wanted to deepen or darken, or keep light. By changing the length, thickness, and tone of the marks, I was able to create depth in the images. I chose to focus mainly on the faces and hair of the women, and the direction the marks flowed, rather than the whole image itself, because this process seemed to be a lot more simple this way. I used less opacity to create shadows and highlights in the already simplified image to add more depth to it too. 

energizing tone

Transferring my work digitally was a challenge because this is the first project in which I had to grid a drawing and then transfer it that way. Overall, though, the experience helped me grow the most in the digital arts realm because it forced me to learn about the certain apps that we had to use for the recontextualization. Digitally, I think the artwork is much more difficult to process than the hand-drawn because it’s just a process that I’m not used to yet. Drawing portraits is one of my favorite things, so doing this project was actually quite fun, but it took more time than I thought. 

Energizing tone was a really interesting concept for me to indulge in, and it was a much longer process than just shading the shadows but it helped really bring the pictures to life. The energy that was created through the short marks is such a cool idea, and having it transferred on the 2D subject was what kind of blew my mind. I enjoyed the outcome of the digital work more than the drawing just because it has the appearance of looking more “official” and “finished” to me, but that may just be my opinion. 

I chose to do some portraits because I’ve only done one other portrait, and I didn’t wear any makeup in the picture I chose, so I decided to do a more accurate representation of how I like to present myself. The process of studying my face and transferring it on paper was interesting to me because it forced me to kind of study myself in a way, and see myself in a different light. I enjoyed this project a lot because of that process.

i can't help it

I hate being here

I feel stuck in my own mind

A whirlwind of thoughts 

Getting off topic all the time

I wish I could be smart 

I tried so hard for you

My grades are dropping but 

This is nothing new

I’m always told I’m different

I’m always told I’m too much

I’m always told I’m too weird

Or reminded how I’m never enough

I just want to be accepted 

Honestly I'm so done trying

I’m told I need to be grounded

When I always feel like flying 

I’m not supposed to be here

This life wasn’t meant for me

Studying hard and sacrificing my life

Just to say I got a degree